Till Death Do Us Part

Okay, no big secret here. If you ask me I will talk about it but I was raised my a single, loving mother. My parents split up when I was young and shortly afterwards my dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. Obviously my father didn’t live a perfect life, one might even say he lived a selfish life because he never got the chance to see his only son, the bearer of his name, work through the problems and joys in life.

My dad became a legend in my life. I heard stories from family and friends telling me how great my dad was and how much he WOULD HAVE loved me. We look a lot alike, we share talents of fine arts and music and math. He didn’t teach me these things, these are traits that he gave to me.

Well long story short, my mother found an amazing gentlemen named Jim Jones. They lived a God fearing life and we began to go to church as a “family.”

I began to pray.

In my childish mind not only did I pray to God the Father but I prayed to my own father. I never thought twice about it. I prayed often and every single time I said “Hi” to my dad and I told him that I would see/meet him when I died.

This went on for 18 years.

While I was on tour this summer, a young girl was speaking to her peers about Heaven.

“You have to accept Jesus into your heart.” She proudly says.

One of her peers blurt back, “You can’t get in to Heaven unless you love God.”

I stand in the field a few feet away thinking of how I was raised. I never knew this when I was their age. I thought everyone just got in.

I mean God loves us right, he wants his kids to be around. I know the pain of not having your dad around, I’m sure not having a kid around hurts just as bad.

How about my dads childhood.

He came from an abusive, atheist family. I imagine he coped by drinking and smoking pot. They grew into his new family. He loved them. He would come home and be excited to see them. He would wake up and be thrilled to wake them up, his bottle and his joint.

My dad never knew God.

According to this little girl, my dad is not in Heaven.

This 12 year old girl just derailed the last 18 years of my life. I have been praying to a God that loves me and blabbering about a dad that could have been.

I cried. I was devastated. I might still be, I honestly don’t know.

The next step was to get some answers. I talked to a pastor that I met on the road. I asked him if he knew anything about any of this.

He reassured me of two things.

a: Nobody but my father and God know what his last words were. Maybe he gave his life to Christ.

b: Love in Heaven will be perfect. There will be no hierarchy, you will love your parents, sibling, best friends, co-workers, etc all the same. You will not long to see someone because you will be too busy loving absolutely everything about everyone else. I guess that sounds good.

But while I am on earth, in the flesh, I long to see my dad.

I don’t know exactly how to end this so I am going to leave it at this-

“Times happen but the water still flows under the bridge. Sometimes you down with regret, sometimes you look down with great joy.” -my mother.


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